TEX MEX FEAST TODAY.

Cilantro Lime Rice. Black Bean Mole. Margarita Chicken. BACON GUACAMOLE.

CILANTRO LIME RICE
Time: 20 Minutes
Amount: 2 cups.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup long grain rice. I used basmati because I had it on hand.
• 2 cups water
• 2 tbsp fresh cilantro
• 2 limes

DIRECTIONS:

1. Rinse your rice in a colander until the dirty water is clear. This makes it less starchy. If you choose not to rinse, your rice is going to be thicker and slightly heavier. FYI.
2. Chop cilantro roughly.
3. Heat in a pot water and rice over medium high heat, stirring frequently. When it boils, reduce to medium low heat, add in cilantro, and cover.
4. Simmer for 12-15 minutes until the rice has absorbed the water.
5. Juice limes directly into the rice, fluff with a fork, and serve.

BLACK BEAN MOLE
Time: 40 Minutes
Amount: 3 cups.

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 tbsp vegetable oil
• 2 tsp crushed garlic
• 1/2 red onion
• 1 hot pepper
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 can black beans
• 1 can tomatoes
• 2 oz dark chocolate
• Salt to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a large pan, heat your oil over medium heat.
2. Chop garlic, onion and hot pepper very fine. Saute.
3. Add cumin and rinsed black beans. Cook for approximately 5 minutes.
4. Add tomatoes and cook until most of the juices have evaporated.
5. Chop chocolate and add to sauce.
6. If you have an immersion blender, blend your heart out. Me, I have the magic bullet blender, so I have to pour it into the blender when it is still super hot (and I almost always burn myself). Puree until the sauce is smooth. Add water in single tablespoon increments if it is too thick to blend.
7. Continue to cook (and now I’m going to make a mess trying to pour my hot mole back into a hot pan) for about 5-10 minutes until the sauce starts to thicken again. Serve.

MARGARITA CHICKEN
Time: 30 Minutes
Amount: 1 chicken breast

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 chicken breast
• 1 tbsp vegetable oil
• 2 oz tequila
• 1 oz orange liqueur
• 2 oz lime juice
• 2 tsp salt

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a pan with a lid, heat your oil over medium-high heat.
2. When oil is hot, add chicken. Don’t let the oil splatter you. I always dry off my chicken before adding it to oil, so it doesn’t explode.
3. Allow the side down to cook for 4-5 minutes until edges of chicken are white and the bottom starts to brown. Flip the chicken.
4. Add all the booze and the lime juice to the pan to deglaze. Cover the pan to keep your chicken swimming in those delicious flavors. Cook for another 4-5 minutes.
5. As you plate, sprinkle salt on the chicken. Margaritas should ALWAYS be served with salt. NO EXCEPTIONS.

BACON GUACAMOLE
Time: 15 Minutes
Amount: SO MUCH DELICIOUS GUACAMOLE

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 oz bacon fat
• 1/2 large red onion, diced
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 limes, juiced
• 2 avocados
• 1 firm roma tomato

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a small pan, heat the bacon fat over medium-low heat. You do not want to heat this over super high heat or it could splatter when you put your onions in. Trust me.
2. When the fat is warm, sweat your onions. This is going to make your kitchen smell fantastic. Remove before they start to caramelize. Don’t just pour the contents of the whole pan into the blender, actually remove the onions from the oil. Even the biggest carnivore will have digestive problems with insides coated in such small quantities of bacon grease. As always, allow the grease to cool and then throw it away in a trash can rather than down the drain.
3. In a large blender, combine the onions, cilantro, lime juice, avocados (peeled and pitted of course), and roma tomato (with the top cut off; no one wants to bite into the stem). Blend until creamy.

So here’s the thing. My roommate Colin doesn’t like bacon. I’m pretty sure he hates when I cook with it because our poorly ventilated apartment smells of it for HOURS, but even he loved this guacamole. Now it is hard to eat a ton of it because of the bacon fat, but it is so good. Serve it at parties (but let your vegan and vegetarian friends know… or don’t).

This feast will surely keep your taste buds happy and stomach full: you’ve got salty, sweet, sour, creamy, spicy, meaty (umami!). Who can argue with something so delightful?

Let’s see if I can sneak this one in without anyone noticing.

So I love salads, but hate eating healthy. DILEMMA. So here’s a great way to keep those skinny bitches who are concerned with glycemic index and fat contents. Tell them to shut up and stop worrying; life needs its fattening salads.

MAPLE CANDIED BACON
Time: 20 Minutes
Amount: As much as you’d like. I’m not going to stop you.

INGREDIENTS:

• Bacon
• Maple Syrup (1/4 cup per 4-5 pieces)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Cook your bacon over medium heat in a VERY GOOD nonstick or VERY DURABLE stainless steel pan until just crispy. I don’t care if you like chewy bacon; you are gross and wrong. Also you are going to put a nice candy coating on it, so it is going to be crunchy.
2. Pour maple syrup (1/4 cup for every 4-5 pieces) directly over the bacon, still hot in the pan. Toss around to make sure it is all covered and simmer on low. The sugars in the maple syrup will start to cling to the bacon as the water evaporates. When the bacon becomes pretty shiny and the syrup is mostly evaporated, remove the bacon to a raised cooling rack. Don’t touch it with your fingers, and you won’t get sugar burns all over your greedy little paws.

For the salad, I just crumbled it up and threw it in with some baby spinach, cherry tomatoes, crumbled, warm baked mac and cheese (with a teaspoon of ground mustard in it instead of bacon). The oils from the cheese are good enough to be a dressing, but if you must add, I’d choose a good honey mustard.

You bring this to a cookout, and all your skinny-assed friends will forget what a glycemic index even is. Let’s all get fat and happy together.

I don’t buy pasta sauce in jars. It isn’t worth it. Most of them have sweeteners, preservatives, and thickening agents which is totally not my scene. Give me something straight. Give me a good sipping vodka, give me a natural ice cream (haagen dazs five, anyone?), and give me a can of tomatoes where I know the ingredients. Pretty much all I need in life.

Also, making a sauce is so easy, and you can use up whatever you have in the fridge. Got basil leaves? Throw them in. Got onions? Go ahead. Got eggplant? Absolutely. Too many martini olives? You’ve got yourself a dish. Just not this dish.

I had to finish up my pound of bacon (though some was thrown away after an unfortunate assault incident concerning a leather belt that had previously touched the seats on the 22-Fillmore muni bus), and had gotten a tiny can of olives on sale for $.60, so I figured I was mostly there.

SPICY BACON, FENNEL, AND OLIVE PASTA SAUCE
Amount: 4-6 servings
Time: <1 hour

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 tsp fennel seeds
• 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
• 1/4 tsp black pepper
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• 4 strips of bacon, cut into 1” slices
• 1 can black olives (it was a little less than 4 ounces)
• 2 cans of crushed tomatoes (regular size)
• 1/2 pound of pasta

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a large pan on medium heat, toast the fennel for about 2 minutes.
2. Add red pepper flakes, black pepper, salt and bacon. Cook until bacon is firm: it will soften up in the sauce. You’ll have a fair amount of bacon grease that’s got all the great flavors of the fennel & red pepper flakes, so if you HAVE to be health conscious, pour some out (not in the sink), but I didn’t.
3. Add the olives to the bacon & grease and cook until bacon is crispy.
4. Add your crushed tomatoes. Personally, I buy diced or petit diced tomatoes and then put them in my magic bullet blender for a few seconds until they are smooth; crushed tomatoes cost extra for some reason. At this point, do not cover. If you cover the tomatoes, they’ll get a stewed tomato taste, and that is not what you are going for. Allow some of that water to evaporate.
5. Boil water for pasta. Salt the water & cook pasta until almost al dente. Then drain.
6. Throw your pasta in with the sauce, stir, cover, and reduce to low. Cook for another 3-5 minutes. Serve immediately. You should be hungry.

Man, bacon is awesome. The smokiness goes great with the fennel and red pepper flakes. If you wanted something a little more mild, reduce the red pepper flakes and throw maybe 1/2 cup of half and half or cream in the tomato sauce when you put it on low, stir it well, and you will be set.